Gimme shelter . . .

Gimme shelter from the storm.

This is a Saturday afternoon in mid-June, hot, muggy, humid, with all of us trying to keep cool = me and my 9 babies.

They have shelter, though, they are protected, they are safe and if anyone harmed any one of them in any way in a deliberate act, I would kill them.

June 10, 2015, started as a tense day for me = appointment with the eye doctor to see what the chances were of having partial eyesight restored in my left eye. After hours of waiting and testing, the doctor told me he could take the cataract off my left eye, but the sight in that eye would never return. I had been told that week also that the MS I was fighting was not going to kill me, but the quality of my life as I got older would not be good. I could still take care of myself, but the quality of that life would not be good.

A year ago, I thought my life was good, going in the "right direction" but it veered off course, never to be in the "right direction" again. I was diagnosed with MS on May 6, 2014, a week before my 69 birthday; I lost sight in my left eye on October 7th, 2014.

To take my mind off my troubles and try to keep busy, I joined an animal rescue group and even though I was not physically active with the rescues, I did what I could to help = donating money for supplies like vaccines and food, formula for the little kittens, whatever they needed the money for and I even managed to find a forever home for a senior cat.

We, as humans, as a rescue group of individuals, had one goal in mind = saving these homeless cats and kittens from euthanization by setting that as our goal = keeping them alive until they could be adopted/fostered. I became emotionally attached to these cats and kittens, looking at their pictures and being updated by the volunteers. They became everyone's "babies".

On June 10, 2015 sometime in the afternoon, someone or a group of someones that sit on the government-run board that runs the shelter, decided to do the unthinkable without warning any of us, so we could react to the situation. Julie Sloan, a volunteer, had just posted the number of the babies at the shelter, some of them had names, some did not, but there were 50 of them we, the trusted humans, were caring for.

At the end of the day, all 50 of those babies had been euthanized = all of them were being cared for, a donation for food had just arrived, they were being monitored, they were being vaccinated, we were protecting them, or so we thought. Without warning, they were gone.

I was horrified, absolutely horrified. Some human or a group of humans, had betrayed the trust those babies had placed in humans, had betrayed that trust on the highest level. I can't get the images out of my mind of those sweet innocent faces being carried to their death, probably thinking they were being taken to their forever home or were going to be fed, held, stroked, loved. I pray they were not scared, I pray they were not.

I have been told of various reasons why this happened, but all of them could have possibly been saved if we had been warned, but we were not. That's what we worked for, saving them. 

My first instinct was to find the person who had authorized this mass killing and kill him/her, actually kill them. I've thought about that since I heard the news. I have cried, the pain in my heart makes my heart ache, my heart and soul are in a million pieces, the grief = there is no word for the grief. The greater the grief, the greater the love, maybe that's why my grief is so strong right now.

I make no apologies for my emotions or my anger or my thoughts of retaliation = if anyone has a problem with anything I say in this blog, they need to get over it, because I make no apologies for being human.

People often say I am over-dramatic, over-emotional, too sensitive, shouldn't wear my feelings out in the open for everyone to see = for those people who say that, I make no apologies for any of that = I feel my feelings very deeply. That Wednesday was life-changing for me = being told I would be permanently blind in one eye and being told earlier in the week that my MS would eventually destroy the quality of my life, not kill me, but destroy the quality of an already fractured life. I couldn't let my anger and my hate hasten that process of slow destruction. 

So, I withdrew from the rescue group. I have quit "following" the members of the group on Facebook  = I needed to make a clean break. I need, right now,  to concentrate on myself, my health, my 9 babies. Maybe later I will make another donation to the group who is determined to "start over" = but I don't believe you can just "start over" = I can't go on like nothing happened, it did and I can't change it, but I can seek solace in my solitary space, shut off from the outside world as much as possible. Maybe it will help me heal, but I don't want to get that emotionally attached to a group of God's creatures again and have those creatures destroyed.

But, whoever sits on that board that made that decision that day, without giving us fair warning of what they were going to do, is unacceptable. They need or the whole board, needs a lesson in communicating with the people who actually run the shelter = the volunteers, the board needs to learn how to communicate, they apparently haven't been taught how to do that. I don't know the individuals who sit on that board, but what they did, for whatever reason, is inexcusable, because they will do it again, without any warning. They will do it again, mark my words, they will do it again, because that was a powerful thing, a powerful thing, making a decision of life or death and we all know that power corrupts.

Like I said, my reaction for the past several days, has been physical retaliation = I thought = these people have to pay for this, they have to answer for this, they have to answer to the community as to why they did this with no warning. My anger lies heavy in the humid air around me, but I will not retaliate. I want to, but I won't. My belief in my God will not let me do that. I don't want to stand before God on Judgment Day and answer for that violence, but you, as board members, will have to answer to the community for your actions, or answer to God on Judgment Day.

Some of those babies had names = Tecumseh (and her 6 babies),  Bruiser, Shelby, Tangie, Cairo, Summer (and her 4 babies), China (and her 4 babies), Helena, Fera (and her 2 babies), Rain, Weather, Lucky, Baseball, Patch, Peach, Yellow and 18 who had not been named yet, but who were always loved and cared for = nine babies were 7 weeks old; there were five Calico babies; and there were 4 other babies.

Gimme shelter . . .

Gimme shelter from the storm.

In God's name, they all went together to the Rainbow Bridge. In God's name, I pray they weren't afraid, I pray those sweet innocent faces I had seen and fallen in love with, were not twisted in fear at the last moment. I pray, in God's name, they weren't afraid.

My faith has been shaken to the core, maybe beyond repair, I hope not, because I want to stand before God on Judgment Day and ask Him if I can reside for Eternity across the Rainbow Bridge with all His creatures, where I know I would be welcomed with open arms, I pray for that. I pray and I pray and I pray and I cry and I cry and I cry.

Gimme shelter . . .

Gimme shelter from the storm.

RIP

Those 50 Beautiful Babies