Somebody's Always Looking For Something

People often ask me what "my truth" is.

I'm always talking about it. 

It's as simple as black and white = you live your life the way your heart tells you.

Sometimes, well, actually, a lot of times, I struggle to live my truth, because when I do live it, it doesn't make my life easier for me to live, it's just something my heart and mind tell me is right.

There is a song by Annie Lennox called Sweet Dreams = one line is "somebody's always looking for something" = I think that's true, in my case, as well as just about everyone on this planet. I don't know what I'm looking for, but my mind is unsettled, and I don't know if that is from the mental illness, the MS or just an uncertainty of life.

Annie Lennox in the 1990s

Go to www.google.com and click on Video under Annie Lennox Sweet Dreams = 

it's the first song listed on the screen = to listen to the entire song.

In fact, it will probably be the last song played at my memorial, accompanied by pictures on a video I'm trying to put together.

You know, I'm only a messenger here on Earth. I don't tell people what they need, what to do, what they  like, what they dislike, I'm here offering my opinions and how I feel about certain things.

Everybody is looking for something = the perfect family, the perfect "something" of which there is none = nothing perfect exists here on Earth.

 Women are always looking for the right shoe, the right dress, the right hat, the right makeup, etc. Men are always looking for the right girl, the right car, the right clothes, etc.  Always looking = always have, always will.

Some people have taken exception to my philosophies of life and that is their right, but this column is not written to be read and criticized, it's to be read if you like to read about what I'm thinking = on my life, my way of life, my philosophy of life, my babies, my spiritual beliefs = it's not written for you to read and believe you have to be like me or think like me or live like me = I've said it before and I'll say it again = I wouldn't wish my  mental illness or my sexual orientation on my worst enemy = because both are constant struggles and you have to be a certain kind of person to live with that, to struggle with that and be OK with that = sometimes I'm not OK with any of it. 

Sometimes I feel like going out there in that gravel road in front of my trailer and screaming until I can't scream no more, but it would do me no good, would probably get me locked up at Morehead's Psych Ward and get me arrested for disturbing the peace, or both and I don't want to do that, but sometimes I feel like it.

I look at life from "both sides now" = if you notice and I think some of you readers have, that a lot of my columns are centered around the title of a song and Joni Mitchell created one of the better songs of my generation = I think she was speaking of the "ups and downs" of life and the way she looked at life from those two perspectives = that's my take on it anyway. I think that's a good philosophy to have = there have been a lot of "downs' in my life, but somehow I've managed to jump over them and land on my feet.

One of these days, I won't be able to do that = one of these days, I will "run out of steam" and call it "quits".

I am in the process of pre-arranging my funeral/memorial and that is an eye-opening experience, but it's something I needed to do. I'm almost through getting everything together, but a few loose ends need to be tied up. I'm talking about this like I'm going to be there to critique the arrangements after I'm gone = well, you never know, stranger things have happened = I do believe I've lived several lives before this and I do believe in reincarnation, so it could happen. You never know.

By the way, this is what my "sweet dreams" are made of:

Until next time, this is the Last Word = shhhhh, they're asleep.

With One Eye Open

Growing up, I use to hear people who were afraid of the dark, say "I slept with one eye open all night".

Well, I do that now, literally.

When I wake up in the morning, this is what I see out of my left eye, which I cannot close all the way = this the way I see the world around me.

Below is a picture of a detached retina, which I endured the morning of October 7th, 2014. Overnight, I had become partially blind. You can see where the retina detached itself from the fluid around it. I thought it would "fix itself" but it did not. I did not know the severity of the situation until a week later.

On October 14th, 2014, I had surgery to correct it. Three months later, when the retina had completely re-attached itself, this is what I was left with. 

Normal Retina

So, four months after the Lexington surgeon said the retina was "back in place", I have an appointment tomorrow (Thursday, May 7th) with my eye doctor in Mt. Sterling to see if he can tell me anything new. Don't think he will be able to do so, but I need to know the truth. That's what I deal with, the truth, so I need to know it. 

There are numerous reasons this can happen to a person my age (70 years old = one week from today) = usually it's because I am a person of this age, that's why it happens. But, Wikipedia can give you a lot of other reasons = the surgeon in my case, didn't know why it happened. Maybe this other doctor will tell me something different, but I doubt it. I believe this view (below) I have of the world, is permanent.

Ironies of all ironies, in 2009, on my last day at the Outlook, I was helping clean up the place for the new owner. I know, I know, I quit of my own accord because of my dislike for the new owner = it was not one of my better days that day, and I had an accident, injuring my (right) eye, detaching the retina. I had surgery the next day and the vision was totally restored and still is to this day. My delay in seeking help a week later in this latest case probably caused the permanent blindness. I'll never know. Don't second-guess myself. Doesn't do any good. It is what it is, piled on top of everything else, it is what it is.

It is "my truth"

Until the next time, this is The Last Word.

(FYI = I really like graphics to help me tell a story. Wish I had this technology as one of my choices for a major = Graphics = back in 1962 = I didn't, so I pursued a degree in English/Writing. I believe all those avenues have worked out well for me lately.)

Save The Last Dance For Me

As time marches on, I march also, but right now, to a slower drummer.

I have slept almost continuously for two days, my body and mind exhausted from fighting the MS and the bi-polar disorder. Both diseases bring out the demons in me that have to be strong to battle these two invaders.

I've already addressed the MS in another post, but here is the reality of bi-polar disorder = BPD

taking a toll on the human life, especially the spirit, mind and soul. This picture speaks volumes for me.

It is an"invisible disease" = if you look at me and I look "OK" to you, then you probably move on and think I'm having a great day, but usually I'm focused on making it through the day.

If I don't seem happy when I'm in your presence, don't take it personally. As you can see, I have a lot on my plate and my mission in life, at this moment, is not to make you happy.

With all your compassion and empathy and sympathy, I don't want any of those = I want you to accept me for who I am and have an understanding about the miles I've walked in with these shoes I have on.

And one of these days, when I walk up to you, will you save "the last dance for me"??

Until then, this is the Last Word.

The Fool On The Hill

I see the world spinning 'round and around.

According to some sightings, I am the crazy man in the trailer with all the cats. Maybe it's me, or maybe it's not. It's all in the eyes of the beholder. Some people have told me that other people are afraid of me. Me! Little 'ole me! No!

Now, I have been known to cut people to ribbons with my words, but not physically. You know, step on toes = if the shoe fits, you know the rest.

The truth set me free. For other people, it would play utter chaos with their world = the truth, I mean.

These Pollyanna people have created a world where bad things don't happen, bad people don't infiltrate their circle of friends, nothing but nice things are said about them on Facebook.

Really?!

You name me a perfect world filled with perfect people and I will gladly sell you some swampland in Florida.

In the world of = selfies, profile pictures, Instagram, Twitter, etc. = the people who are caught up in the media frenzy that seems to infiltrate every corner of this globe don't see the other side of the screen = the computer screen where you can remain hidden, anonymous, self-serving, complimentary = I don't buy into a lot of the media hype, although I do like to read People magazine, I take some stories with a grain of salt, not bothering to pay any attention to the people who are way over-exposed = Queen  B, for example.

Enter the media world at your own risk = you see and hear what you want to see and hear and then tell me who the "fool on the hill" really is.

Until next time, this is The Last Word.

My Man, He Done Me Wrong

See this man = I was looking for someone on LinkedIn the other night and one of the people who it linked me to was the man in this picture = a man I've known since 1990. He was a mere boy then, a young adult, 23 years old and I had just turned 45.

I was captured by his boyish good looks and since I was recently divorced and living alone and looking for someone to landscape my yard, I got this flyer in the mail that advertised the services of two brothers = the Phillips brothers and this was one of them, Jason.

He and his brother showed up and landscaped my lawn and Jason stuck around, talking. I was getting ready to go to work and he still stuck around.

Before I knew what had happened, he approached me and you can guess everything that happened, not just that day but for the next 15 years, he became a part of my life, my financial life, so to speak. I spent money on him like it was going out of style. Money I didn't have, but he said he needed.

He used me up until he was ready to move on and I didn't see him again until he showed up on LinkedIn. Oh, I had talked to him in the interim, trying to re-connect, but somehow the connection never took place.

When I called him from the LinkedIn information, he told me had gotten married, to a woman fifteen years ago. His marriage and our relationship had somehow overlapped. Our relationship "formally" ended in 2005 after I moved back to Kentucky, but according to him, he had married in 2000.

The math wasn't right.

If you see him anywhere or know him personally = he lives in Phoenix, Arizona = go up to him and kick his ass for me, see if any of the money he owes me falls out of his pockets.

That was 25 years ago and boy have I moved on. Slowly moving, but I moved on. Still bitter and angry = somewhat, but it doesn't consume me like it used to, but I'll bet his wife would like to hear the story of his past, if he hasn't already told her, which I'm almost positive he hasn't, because secrecy was one of his biggest traits.

I never was "in love" with and I'm not sure I ever "loved" him. The one person I would have followed to the ends of the earth disappeared out of my life 50 years ago this year. Maybe that's why I've never "been in love" or "loved" anybody again, except my babies.

I lost "The One" = the one that got away, but the memories sustain me.

Until next time, this is The Last Word.

Running Against The Wind

I love this art work, it's an electric version of a modern man. I love the colors.

With Mother's Day and Father's Day coming up, this post is going to be a "potpourri" of events. Like that word? It used to be a category on Jeopardy. You know, "Potpourri for $200, Alex".

It's going to be about men and women, mothers and fathers, but mixed together. It's not about one specific person, it's about some real people and some generic people, you know, the made-up kind, so here goes.

This is a picture of my  "alleged" grandparents.

I say "alleged" because I don't know for sure, who my grandparents were, who my father was or who my Mother was. This is a picture of Elizabeth and Clay Conley. Everyone says I look like Clay. I don't think so. I think I look like me, sort of general, average appearance. I used to be sort of good-looking, in my mid-30s, but gradually age set in and the looks went out the window.

I have a plastic card that has my birth certificate notification on it. It doesn't list my Mother's name, just my name and birthday. So, I don't know if the person everyone called "Mom" is my real Mother.

Yesterday, April 27th, would have been my brother Sonny's 77th birthday. His real last name is Caskey, but was changed to Conley to avoid confusion in school. My sister Jo's last name was changed from Caskey to Conley to avoid confusion in school and so was my sister Marie's name, changed to Conley. My last name was left as Patrick and my sister Betty's last name was left as Kelly.

Talk about confusion!! Nothing but !!

Everyone always thought of our family as just five siblings. Well, that is wrong. Three of my siblings died in infancy = one girl and two boys, so let's set that straight.

This is Sonny a week before he died.

Switching gears somewhat, some might say a "radical" swtch, but this is about a man who is going to die very soon, Bruce Jenner. His male persona is going to die and he is going to become a woman.

The post on my wall that disappeared without a trace this week, this is who it was about, Bruce Jenner. I just voiced my support of him and I know in this part of the country it is not a good thing to do, be supportive of someone who is "different". The hills of Kentucky are alive with people who would do "you in" at a moment's notice and if they think you are a little bit "different", you're toast.

Been battling those bigots and prejudicial people all my life and I finally found my voice and "my truth" and chose to live life my way.

This is Bruce Jenner today.

I don't think he will make an attractive female, but that is not the point. He is trapped inside a body that isn't female. It's been a battle for him for most of his adult life to live like people thinks he should have lived, as an Olympic champion, but other events were in the works. It takes a lot of courage of character and bravery to live "your truth" but when you do, the world will not be easier to live in, but you will live easier in your own skin, in your own mind and in your own world. So, I commend Bruce for being that brave.

Life is not all about "roses and sunshine and lollipops" = it's about individual choices, those choices that make you an individual.

My cousin's daughter recently lost her husband and she is having a rough time. She lets it be known she is having a hard time. But, someone said they wanted to see "a picture of her smiling" so she complied. That is not the way she is feeling, according to her own words. She has been left alone to fend for herself and her children and her anger, I believe, is directed at her husband who left her. So, don't smile if you don't feel like it, just so someone else can feel good about life.

I've been celibate for almost 20 years, but in my mind, I'm still gay. That is not going to change. The desire to "be gay" is no longer on my radar, but it's still a part of who I am, it's not everything I am, but it's a part of who I am. I own that, no one else can play around with it, I don't want anybody to suddenly believe I'm straight, because I'm not. Myself belongs to me and you cannot play around with it, make it something you want to make it.

My spirituality has gotten (is that a word?) me through a lot of bumpy, rough times. Not my religion, but my spirituality. I still get bitter about things, probably always will = I still get angry at certain things, probably always will = but when I step back and let my "spiritual" side take over, all the problems fall away.

May Day is coming up and I hope to be in town to celebrate it. Going to "step out of my box" for that day and venture into the public eye. No harm, no foul, if I'm not able to do so. I promised a friend I would and I need to keep that promise.

Really, don't have much to write about right now. Will save some interesting stuff for next time around. 

Until then, this is The Last Word.

9 Paper Plates on the Kitchen Floor

I've been away from my writing for some time now, but it probably isn't something my Facebook friends would agree with. They would probably say I say a lot in my postings.

This has been a rough year for me and probably for a lot of people, but last June 16th, I was informed of the death of one of my beloved friends in Georgia, Margaret Betz, I called her M'Beez. She had been diagnosed with uterine cancer 6 weeks prior to June 16th and was in Hospice when she died. That's her on the left.

The day after she passed away, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). My doctor advised me to have a brain scan (MRI) at St. Claire (Morehead). I did and that's what showed up. It answered a lot of questions about some of my symptoms and I won't go into those, because it is too medically-oriented, but people get the gist of what MS is.

It is an incurable disease. Mine is called Intermittent Late Onset MS (ILOMS) and it "comes and goes" = therefore, "intermittent". The brain waves, at times, as you can see from the bottom picture (in red) go "haywire" at times. The picture at the top shows you what it does.

The first week in October last year, I woke up and was completely blind in my left eye. Had surgery on the eye to repair the shattered retina (the surgeon said he didn't know what caused it, "it just happens", he said. He repaired the retina and it took 3 months to completely go back in place, but the surgeon could not restore the vision. It is now like looking through the bottom of a Coke bottle. I can either keep it uncovered or wear a patch over it to protect it. I wear the patch sometimes when I go out in public to protect it from the sunlight, because the surgery makes it impossible for me to close the left eye all the way. I am in constant discomfort from it.

Last year was the year of Murphy's Law for me, but the constant forces in my life are my 9 babies = Boo (Baby-Doo), Darby (Doodle), Toot, Emma, Pete, Penny, Linus, Lucy (Belle) and Charlie (Brown). They are the reasons I get up during the day. I'm usually up all night and sleep all day, but Penny and Boo wake me up about 6 in the morning to feed them. So, I put 9 paper plates on the kitchen floor and feed them and then lay back down on the couch. Penny cannot make a sound (the sub-freezing temps she endured before I rescued her several years ago destroyed her vocal cords), but she looks at me with those big brown expressive eyes and that tells me all I need to know = you know, "the windows to the soul".

I don't have pictures of all of them yet, but that is my next goal, go get those picture as soon as I can get me a digital camera next month, but these are the pictures of 6 of them.

Emma

Penny

Darby

This is Darby the day I rescued him

Pete (female)

Toot

 

 Boo

When those 9 paper plates are no longer on the kitchen floor, that will be my cue to leave this world. Those plates are the reasons I live each day. God will hopefully take me by the hand one day after the plates disappear and lead me Home.

He walks among us, I can feel His presence and I received a sign from Him the other day (that's the way I saw it and I can't be convinced otherwise that it wasn't Him) to tell me that he is watching over me and my 9 babies.

I have lost a lot of friends, relatives and fur babies over the years and each loss has created pain in my heart and soul that no amount of time can heal. I put the  pain in a "bearable" place until it is too much, then I let it out and grieve. The tears cleanse my soul, but the losses are still there.

Hopefully this blog and these columns contained within it, will help keep me occupied, keep my mind off a lot of things. I am grateful my mind is still intact enough to do this = writing. The MS undoubtedly will take its toll eventually and I don't know what's going to happen then. Only God knows. Maybe He has a miracle for me up His sleeve.

Until then, this is The Last Word this time around.