In the years I have lived

And in the days I have seen

Some days I will see again

But they will come with all the pain.

= Harry Patrick

Behold, My Freedom Comes

I watched a TV talk show this afternoon that was almost impossible to sit through = it was heart-wrenching and seemed to be without hope, but I watched it anyway and I'm glad I did.

I saw the future for a lot of people who disappear into the background and no one seems to care about where they are or what they are doing.

One of the great actresses I have seen, in my opinion, was just quirky enough that I thoroughly enjoyed her films. She was magnificent in The Shining, with Jack Nicholson and in Popeye with Robin Williams.

When Dr. Phil mentioned Williams' death, the actress said "He's not dead, he's shape-changing".

The actress is Shelley Duvall, battling an incomprehensible mental illness that has ravaged her appearance and her mind and left her a shell of her former self. 

That was Shelley "then" and this is Shelley "now".

You could tell she was deep in the throes of her own reality, she was not living in the real world, but at times she was lucid and intelligent and somewhat funny. I don't know what happened to her except that the illness has taken over her life and people who don't understand mental illness or who refuse to try to understand, the illness will take over your life. Her prospects for recovery are slim.

My mental illnesses are somewhat helped by medication, but some of them do what they want to do and I can't control them. Each day is a struggle and a battle to remain sane, to be able to fight another day to try to make the "chattering" in my brain go away.

I have little tricks that I finally had to put to use today to attain a little peace in my mind = it worked for a while, but a trigger set if off = I won't tell you what those tricks are I use and I won't tell you what sets me off. Don't want people to know that part of my life, even though they know a lot about me at this point.

But more days than I would like to count, my mind is jumbled like this =

= or this =

For those people who shun me or don't understand me or judge me or criticize me, you should get on your hands and knees and thank God you are not like me. There are those people who say they "understand" what I go through, they don't really know, they only say that to fill the silence.

Memories haunt me, my emotions run rampant, my logic is flawed, but I do have compassion for the ill-trodden of this world and I do have compassion for any human being or animal that is in distress.

I have memories of a lost love I found at the age of 35 = he was 13 years younger than me, but I truly felt I had found the person I wanted to spend my life with. I met his parents, ate dinner at his home, took drives with him, shared lunches with him and exchanged Christmas presents with him. We both wanted to commit to each other, but I wasn't strong enough to be my "true" self back then and I walked away, a broken and heartsick man who felt like my life ended = I didn't know how to live without him. I was married at the time and my poor judgment led me into a chaotic-filled life for 9 more years. I was finally free of her, but I had lost "him".

Scarred in mind and soul, I have traveled the last 35 years with that memory of my love burning in my brain and it will be with me until I draw my last breath. That memory haunts me to this day, my walking away with tears streaming down my cheeks, not strong enough to live my life the way I wanted to live it.

I can now live my life the way I want to live it, but the victory is bittersweet.

This is one of my favorite poems (by Maya Angelou)  = sums up my feelings of the internal pain =

I pray for the day God sets people like me and Shelley Duvall free = we will be at peace = then and only then will our inner demons be silent.