Excuse Me While I Disappear

Some people say I rescued and adopted my cats because they can't talk back to me and they can't disagree with anything I say.

I say "they talk to me, not back at me" and I do prefer their company over humans any day of the week. If you're not comfortable with that part of my life, you need to walk the other way.

An article in last week's Outlook spoke of being alone and liking your own company = I agree with that, I love to be (not alone, I have my 8 babies) free of human contact.

Today is a good example of beautiful weather, loving my babies and feeling an odd sense of peace and well-being, rarities for me. Add a much-needed cup of coffee, the New York Times Saturday crossword puzzle, some crackers and cheese and it's a pleasant day.

I have also found out that some of my babies who wouldn't sit next to me or sit on my lap now do so with eagerness. Baby-Doo occupied that space for many years and the others just stood back and watched and waited for their turn. In Baby-Doo's absence, they have re-thought their choices. My beloved Baby-Doo's spirit lives strongly in my heart and mind, so he still has a place with me and that will always be true, no matter how old I get before Jesus leads me to my new Home.

Sixty years ago, all was not well in my mind = there was not a sense of well-being and peace of mind, and there would not be any for many, many years = I didn't know at the time that what was happening to me was verbal, emotional and mental abuse, but I learned over the years from all the psychiatric visits I scheduled, that it was indeed, abuse in its strongest form. I still have nightmares about the man who inflicted that upon me.

He was a young red-headed stranger to me when he drove up to our house on Sour Springs Road in 1956 in his white convertible with a black top. I sensed something wasn't right about him as soon as I met him and I knew instinctively to stay away from him and I was proven right.

He became my mother's boyfriend and I knew not to disagree with him on anything or stand up for myself or disobey "one of his rules" = consequences would be paid, in spades.

He never physically hit me, but he would back me into a corner, literally, in the house and spew his venom directly into my face. After a while, I taught myself how to "disappear" from the situation. Later, I was told by my psychiatrist it was a form of "disassociative behavior" = not a split personality, but putting myself into another place where things were OK and peaceful and non-threatening. That's what I think I'm arriving at currently, keeping to myself, creating my own safe world and calling all the shots, being independent and private and happy with being alone. But the nightmares of him still haunt me, 60 years after the fact. He died a long time ago, but, in my mind, I can see him as he was the first day I met him.

I have forgiven my Mom a long time ago for letting him do that to me and my sister, but I know now she suffered from bi-polar disorder, just like I do and there was no medicine back then to help her cope with her mental demons. This stranger took advantage of her mental state and dictated every choice she made about me and my sister.

Between the ages of 11 and 16, my life on earth became a living Hell.

= excuse me while I disappear =

All people have 2 faces they wear = one for the public, one they put on behind closed doors = I had to put on my public persona today because I had to go out and mingle with the public, but as soon as I got back to my "nest", I put on my regular face, you know, the old face and the bald head and the wrinkles and talking to my babies =  not "at" them, but "to" them.

I dread those trips out in the public = I have really begun to dread them = takes me a long time to mentally prepare myself for the onslaught of humans out there who I prefer not to connect with. They seem to stare at me, maybe they're not doing that, but I do sometimes catch middle-aged men with the beer-bellies and frowns on their face, looking me up and down. I know my feminine side is apparent and there's nothing I can do about it and the more weight I lose, the more feminine I become, but it's a no-brainer for me = to stay healthy so I can survive as long as I can = I follow the diet the heart doctor put me on back in July when he discharged me from the hospital.

The near-fatal bout with pneumonia and the death of Baby=Doo in the same month shattered something inside me that has left me living a surreal existence, where I want to disappear, with my babies of course, to a place where no one will ever see me again.

Is it an irrational thought? = probably so = but my mind works that way now. Do I have to explain it to people around me? = no = the people who are close to me in a sincere way accept me for who I am and how I present myself to them, don't need to explain much of anything to them. If they try and "fix" me in any way, they can walk away and let me live my life as I choose = I don't need their approval or advice at this time in my life = just let me be and =

= excuse me while I disappear = 

= into the Vast Unknown =