Who Do You Think You Are?

When the average person thinks of a "creature", I believe they think of an animal, but we are all "creatures of God" = whether we walk on four legs or two.

When I was a  little boy, many, many years ago, I didn't know I was a little boy, I just thought I was someone surrounded by big people who loved to pull my pants down in front of other big people. The big people thought this was funny = I cried, but I didn't know why I cried. At night, sometimes my bed would be taken over by someone I didn't recognize, but my Mom would give them my bed and I had to sleep on the floor on a "pallet" she made from some old quilts.

That was the beginning of being "singled out" which would continue for many, many years to come.

I believe my ex-wife singled me out, not because she supposedly loved me, but because she saw me as a "project" she would take on, with a determination to "change" me = she continued on this quest for 23 years, to no avail, she coudn't change me, regardless of what she did or who she talked to.

Oftentimes, when we went out in public, she would hold onto my arm like I was going to run away and as I walked with her through the restaurant to our table, a lot of men's eyes were on me = I wasn't handsome, by any means, but I held my own against a lot of the men in the room. I was aware they were looking at me, she was aware they were looking at me.

She thought because I was gay that I didn't know how to order, how to conduct myself, how to use my silverware, where to place my napkin, didn't know what to order, so she would go through the menu and criticize everything she saw = the prices, the portions, the waiter, the waitress, the food, the taste, the service, etc. She was never satisfied, she was always looking for perfection.

She was a creature of God, but not one of his better products. She didn't win in the long run, the prize at the end of the tunnel = she didn't change me, her "project" didn't work, so she turned to another man, a younger man, a very homely-looking younger man who abused her, but I divorced her and she married him, still with him after all these 27 years. She took him on as a "project", taking this "train wreck" and turning him into an acceptable human being. She succeeded in her second attempt to complete a "project".

People have been trying to "change" me all of my life, starting with my mother, who didn't want me to be single, didn't want me to be singled out because I was a "sissy" boy, subjected to daily bullying from the young people around me and a lot of adults around me.

I'll admit that at first, I wanted to have a family, a house with a white picket fence, a good job = all the trappings of the American dream, but even though it looked perfect on the outside, inside my mind it was constant turmoil. Little did I know then I was suffering from a severe mental illness, little did I know then that my mother and one of my sisters was suffering from the same mental illness. Years later, I looked back at both of these women and finally understood their behavior, but by that time I was an adult, struggling to understand my "unquiet mind", dissatisfied with my sexual desires, not wanting to be connected to another person in any way, shape or form. I have never been a sexual person, I have been a person who could have lived my whole life without experiencing it. To me, it never brought anything but frustraton, sadness and dissatisfaction.

But I tried, I tried = "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" =

When it finally dawned on me I was living my life to please other people, I was powerless to change the situation. My job, my marriage, my sanity, was at stake. I had a lot to lose if I stopped living my life to please other people = I believe that's why I lost one of the best jobs I ever had, I couldn't do that anymore, I couldn't do it, I couldn't please my boss, my co-workers, my wife, my friends = I couldn't please them anymore, so my life spiraled out of control.

I tried to keep steering on a straight-lined highway to my dreams, but I couldn't do it any more, so I clawed and struggled to find myself in another light, winning a little bit at a time, winning my self-esteem and my confidence back after all those years of not having any.

And here I am, in all my glory, still not sure who I ever was, all the roles I played to get through this life, but here I am, content in some ways, malcontent in others. There's no one around me to try to "change" me = wouldn't do them any good.

I read yesterday that transgender actress Alexis Arquette died = a pioneer who paved the way for a lot of people who weren't sure who they wanted to be, but I dedicate this to her (him) = it doesn't matter = I dedicate this to the person they became, living by their own rules, on their own terms.

All of us should be so free !!