Running Against The Wind

I love this art work, it's an electric version of a modern man. I love the colors.

With Mother's Day and Father's Day coming up, this post is going to be a "potpourri" of events. Like that word? It used to be a category on Jeopardy. You know, "Potpourri for $200, Alex".

It's going to be about men and women, mothers and fathers, but mixed together. It's not about one specific person, it's about some real people and some generic people, you know, the made-up kind, so here goes.

This is a picture of my  "alleged" grandparents.

I say "alleged" because I don't know for sure, who my grandparents were, who my father was or who my Mother was. This is a picture of Elizabeth and Clay Conley. Everyone says I look like Clay. I don't think so. I think I look like me, sort of general, average appearance. I used to be sort of good-looking, in my mid-30s, but gradually age set in and the looks went out the window.

I have a plastic card that has my birth certificate notification on it. It doesn't list my Mother's name, just my name and birthday. So, I don't know if the person everyone called "Mom" is my real Mother.

Yesterday, April 27th, would have been my brother Sonny's 77th birthday. His real last name is Caskey, but was changed to Conley to avoid confusion in school. My sister Jo's last name was changed from Caskey to Conley to avoid confusion in school and so was my sister Marie's name, changed to Conley. My last name was left as Patrick and my sister Betty's last name was left as Kelly.

Talk about confusion!! Nothing but !!

Everyone always thought of our family as just five siblings. Well, that is wrong. Three of my siblings died in infancy = one girl and two boys, so let's set that straight.

This is Sonny a week before he died.

Switching gears somewhat, some might say a "radical" swtch, but this is about a man who is going to die very soon, Bruce Jenner. His male persona is going to die and he is going to become a woman.

The post on my wall that disappeared without a trace this week, this is who it was about, Bruce Jenner. I just voiced my support of him and I know in this part of the country it is not a good thing to do, be supportive of someone who is "different". The hills of Kentucky are alive with people who would do "you in" at a moment's notice and if they think you are a little bit "different", you're toast.

Been battling those bigots and prejudicial people all my life and I finally found my voice and "my truth" and chose to live life my way.

This is Bruce Jenner today.

I don't think he will make an attractive female, but that is not the point. He is trapped inside a body that isn't female. It's been a battle for him for most of his adult life to live like people thinks he should have lived, as an Olympic champion, but other events were in the works. It takes a lot of courage of character and bravery to live "your truth" but when you do, the world will not be easier to live in, but you will live easier in your own skin, in your own mind and in your own world. So, I commend Bruce for being that brave.

Life is not all about "roses and sunshine and lollipops" = it's about individual choices, those choices that make you an individual.

My cousin's daughter recently lost her husband and she is having a rough time. She lets it be known she is having a hard time. But, someone said they wanted to see "a picture of her smiling" so she complied. That is not the way she is feeling, according to her own words. She has been left alone to fend for herself and her children and her anger, I believe, is directed at her husband who left her. So, don't smile if you don't feel like it, just so someone else can feel good about life.

I've been celibate for almost 20 years, but in my mind, I'm still gay. That is not going to change. The desire to "be gay" is no longer on my radar, but it's still a part of who I am, it's not everything I am, but it's a part of who I am. I own that, no one else can play around with it, I don't want anybody to suddenly believe I'm straight, because I'm not. Myself belongs to me and you cannot play around with it, make it something you want to make it.

My spirituality has gotten (is that a word?) me through a lot of bumpy, rough times. Not my religion, but my spirituality. I still get bitter about things, probably always will = I still get angry at certain things, probably always will = but when I step back and let my "spiritual" side take over, all the problems fall away.

May Day is coming up and I hope to be in town to celebrate it. Going to "step out of my box" for that day and venture into the public eye. No harm, no foul, if I'm not able to do so. I promised a friend I would and I need to keep that promise.

Really, don't have much to write about right now. Will save some interesting stuff for next time around. 

Until then, this is The Last Word.

9 Paper Plates on the Kitchen Floor

I've been away from my writing for some time now, but it probably isn't something my Facebook friends would agree with. They would probably say I say a lot in my postings.

This has been a rough year for me and probably for a lot of people, but last June 16th, I was informed of the death of one of my beloved friends in Georgia, Margaret Betz, I called her M'Beez. She had been diagnosed with uterine cancer 6 weeks prior to June 16th and was in Hospice when she died. That's her on the left.

The day after she passed away, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). My doctor advised me to have a brain scan (MRI) at St. Claire (Morehead). I did and that's what showed up. It answered a lot of questions about some of my symptoms and I won't go into those, because it is too medically-oriented, but people get the gist of what MS is.

It is an incurable disease. Mine is called Intermittent Late Onset MS (ILOMS) and it "comes and goes" = therefore, "intermittent". The brain waves, at times, as you can see from the bottom picture (in red) go "haywire" at times. The picture at the top shows you what it does.

The first week in October last year, I woke up and was completely blind in my left eye. Had surgery on the eye to repair the shattered retina (the surgeon said he didn't know what caused it, "it just happens", he said. He repaired the retina and it took 3 months to completely go back in place, but the surgeon could not restore the vision. It is now like looking through the bottom of a Coke bottle. I can either keep it uncovered or wear a patch over it to protect it. I wear the patch sometimes when I go out in public to protect it from the sunlight, because the surgery makes it impossible for me to close the left eye all the way. I am in constant discomfort from it.

Last year was the year of Murphy's Law for me, but the constant forces in my life are my 9 babies = Boo (Baby-Doo), Darby (Doodle), Toot, Emma, Pete, Penny, Linus, Lucy (Belle) and Charlie (Brown). They are the reasons I get up during the day. I'm usually up all night and sleep all day, but Penny and Boo wake me up about 6 in the morning to feed them. So, I put 9 paper plates on the kitchen floor and feed them and then lay back down on the couch. Penny cannot make a sound (the sub-freezing temps she endured before I rescued her several years ago destroyed her vocal cords), but she looks at me with those big brown expressive eyes and that tells me all I need to know = you know, "the windows to the soul".

I don't have pictures of all of them yet, but that is my next goal, go get those picture as soon as I can get me a digital camera next month, but these are the pictures of 6 of them.

Emma

Penny

Darby

This is Darby the day I rescued him

Pete (female)

Toot

 

 Boo

When those 9 paper plates are no longer on the kitchen floor, that will be my cue to leave this world. Those plates are the reasons I live each day. God will hopefully take me by the hand one day after the plates disappear and lead me Home.

He walks among us, I can feel His presence and I received a sign from Him the other day (that's the way I saw it and I can't be convinced otherwise that it wasn't Him) to tell me that he is watching over me and my 9 babies.

I have lost a lot of friends, relatives and fur babies over the years and each loss has created pain in my heart and soul that no amount of time can heal. I put the  pain in a "bearable" place until it is too much, then I let it out and grieve. The tears cleanse my soul, but the losses are still there.

Hopefully this blog and these columns contained within it, will help keep me occupied, keep my mind off a lot of things. I am grateful my mind is still intact enough to do this = writing. The MS undoubtedly will take its toll eventually and I don't know what's going to happen then. Only God knows. Maybe He has a miracle for me up His sleeve.

Until then, this is The Last Word this time around.