Every Life Tells A Story

In the time that I  have lived

And in the times that are to be =

My head has gone in circles

Of the things I got to see.

I've seen the sun rise,

I've seen the sun set.

I've seen people at their worst

And people at their best.

I've loved and I've hated.

I've laughed and I've cried.

I have mourned many times

At the time a soul has died.

My love and my grief

Go hand in hand

Because the more you love

The more you understand

Of how great a love can be

When it comes from the heart.

People mistake me for someone weak

When I show who I really am,

But in the face of all the odds

I come out the better man.

I was given a life I didn't want

And tried often to give it back,

But God had decided it was too late

For me to crack

Open another egg

To make myself into another.

I've stood on the brink of madness

And wondered whether I would fall

Into that world of darkness

Because I would never crawl

Back out of it 
To resume my unwanted life.

Every person is a book
And every book tells a story
Divided into chapters and pages
Telling good and bad things of a
Person's glory,
Whether untold or silent,
It's a book and a story
Forever written in a person's
Blood and sweat and tears
That leave scars on the soul
That never heal.

I laid aside my sword and shield
And tried to live a life of peace,
But every time I turned the corner
It became days of dire unease.

You see, I can see into your soul
And when you say you are my friend
Are you being sincere
Or are you trying to bend
The truth just a little bit?

I've had my time in the spotlight
And I've had many many turns
To bemoan my life as it is
But truth be told,
I will return
To the earth as ashes
On the mound of dirt
Of a beloved friend
That I will once again see
When I come to the end
Of my time on this Earth
Where I have spent time since birth
Taking up space and light and air =
Then I stand before God
Who sits on His Golden Chair
And invites me to sit a spell.

I READ THE NEWS TODAY, OH BOY . . .

And I didn't see anything changing.

I picked up a copy of the Herald-Leader after I got my hair cut this morning = that always makes me feel "put together" = one of the little tricks I have to make my life somewhat "normal".

I know "normal" is in the mind of the beholder but from the time I was born until now, I now believe my life was cursed from the day I was born. I don't know who put the curse on me, but it sticks to me like glue.

I don't say these following details for sympathy or empathy, just stating facts, but this has been the path of my life since May 2014 =

When I lived in Georgia, working for IBM, I had a few friends, actually two friends, I could tell anything to. They were my anchors. I felt I belonged somewhere, they both treated me with respect, were always honest with me and didn't expect anything from me except hard work and honest friendship = those two things I delivered.

Last May 6, one week before my 69th birthday, I was diagnosed with MS. I sent my friend Margaret a Facebook message and got no response. I waited a week for a response when I messaged one of her FB Friends to see if anything was wrong = there was. Margaret had died the morning that I called.

I felt like I was drowning. I fell into a deep, dark hole of depression. Never to hear her voice again, never to tell her my innermost thoughts.

In October 2014, I lost the sight in my left eye = surgery saved the eye but could not restore the sight.

Again, I fell into this deep, dark hole = actually, I was not all the way out of it before that October day.

When I was very young, I was sexually abused, verbally abused, emotionally abused and left by myself to cope. My mother's boy friend had done his damage to me and my sister, but I somehow survived, got married, got a good job, but there was something going on in my head all those years I couldn't put my finger on. At age 50, I was divorced, on my own and finally diagnosed with a slew of mental illnesses. I had been fighting "something" for all those years, but they finally had a name.

The curse was still active.

A lifelong battle to survive was always the uppermost thought in my mind. But, just when I thought I was settled down to meet my old age head on, another blow struck me upside the head = besides the MS, Margaret's death, losing the sight in one eye and the slew of mental illnesses, I was struck down in June of 2015 with a mysterious illness that played havoc with my immune system. Already taking meds for pre-diabetic sugar levels and slightly elevated cholesterol levels, I was told by the doctor she didn't know where I had picked up the virus, but it could have taken my life if I had not seen her when I did. I took the meds she prescribed over a 2-week period and I'm still fighting the lasting effects of the virus, which hopefully will go away in about another month, but has left ugly permanent scars on both my arms, both my hands, both my feet and both my legs. She knew it was some kind of parasitic virus, but she couldn't tell me where it came from. My paranoia grew.

Again, I fell into the rabbit hole.

Am still in it.

Went to the dentist to get the first fitting for my upper denture, but because the meds for my mental illnesses had caused most of my upper teeth to break off, an infection had run rampant in my mouth, my sinuses, my head and my eyes for quite a while = I think that in itself answered a lot of my health questions, but I wasn't sure. The dentist placed me on heavy doses of meds to clear up the infection so I could get my upper denture and I did that, am doing it now, but have lost my motivation to take any of my meds and move forward. Each day since then, it is hard to put one foot in front of the other = oh, I'm not tired, actually the meds for the pre-diabetic sugar level I believe has given me extra energy, energy I can't seem to utilize because of this dark cloud over my head, this curse I have endured all of my 70 years on this earth.

I don't think anyone = not even all the psychologists and psychiatrists I've seen over the years could convince otherwise.

I am different. I feel like the Devil is working inside my mind. I struggle to exist every day, but somehow manage to get through each day, knowing I have to take care of my babies = Boo, Darby, Toot, Emma, Pete, Penny, Linus, Lucy and Charlie Brown.

The daily routine I'm on carries me automatically through my chores and errands, but my mind is telling me to run, run as fast as I can, take my babies and hide somewhere from the world until I can't run anymore.

I took out a substantial life insurance policy to take care of my babies after I'm gone and I know a suicidal death would not pay off the insurance, but I have a plan. If all my babies pass away before I do, I have a plan.

But, God keeps getting in the way. My spiritual beliefs came to me late in life = sometimes they have been shaky, depending on what is going on in the world, but eventually come back = that has become the anchor that keeps me from taking my own life, because if I did, I don't think I would stand before God when I die, I think I would go the other way = join the Devil that has been in my head for the past 70 years.

The curse worked. I fell down the rabbit hole and I've never completely been able to crawl out of it.

I have another anchor, the third person who joined me and Margaret as friends, she is there in Georgia to listen to me, to cry with me, to laugh with me. She said she didn't want "to lose me". That's odd, because that's the same thing I said to Margaret a few months before she died.

I am thankful for what I have, but the Devil lurks in the background, waiting for me to fall. I do what I have to do and that is just "go on". But there is no motivation, no happiness in "going forward". but God continues to guide me each day and I hope he can be my anchor until I meet him face to face.

I READ THE NEWS TODAY, OH BOY . . .

When Everything Falls Away

When everything falls away

And night becomes day,

The only sound I want to  hear

Is the Sound of Silence.

For the past 2 weeks, it seems, the general public has been bombarded by news they all have an opinion on.

All the news channels have people nattering, people chattering, people stating their opinion, people protesting, people accepting, but somebody is always saying something until there is nothing else to say. Freedom of expression, freedom of speech, I support that, but enough is enough. An opinion is like an asshole, everyone has one. Enough is enough.

The flags, yeah, the flags, WTF is wrong with people = why don't they just accept what is going on and go on their way? If you have something to say, say it, but don't wear it out.

The American flag = everybody seems to love the American flag = a symbol of freedom =

The MIA/POW flag = it wasn't in the middle of the debates going on the past 2 weeks, but it is a significant flag = it helps us remember the POW/MIAs still missing after one of the most controversial wars of the past century. I wear one of the hats that display that logo on it = don't have a service record because back in the 1960s, gay people were not allowed to enter the service = but I support the director of Task Force Omega and told him I would wear it faithfully until every soldier who is missing or is a prisoner of war, had returned home. My choice to wear the hat, my freedom.

The Confederate flag = the knee-jerk reaction on all fronts to be "politically correct" means we are a nation of followers, not leaders.

As a gay man who has been faced with hatred, bigotry, prejudice and physical violence throughout my lifetime, the only thing I will say about the Rainbow Flag = it is a symbol of freedom for me to live the rest of my life on my own terms

When everything falls away

And night turns into day,

The only sound I want to hear

Is the Sound of Silence.