TURN, TURN, TURN

The only good thing about getting old is you can pretty much write your own ticket to what you want to do, provided you have the money, the health and the motivation. I don't have a lot of money, my health is in a precarious state of mind and I don't have much motivation except experiencing the simpler things in life, like watching my favorite TV programs and playing games on Facebook and taking care of my nine rescue babies.

There is also a time for reflection on the past, not a good thing to do, in my case, too many things happened that weren't good for me and the losses of souls I have loved over the past 70 years is sometimes unbearable to think about. The grief never goes away, the sadness lingers in ways I can't explain and the loss is put away in a safe place in my heart to take out at times and just cry until I can't cry no more. And I have been doing a lot of crying lately.

My losses have been of friends, acquaintances, relatives, family and pets. That is not in any particular order, by the way. It's just the way it came to me. The losses have been of old age, natural causes, murder, suicide, euthanasia, car wrecks and a variety of diseases. It seems to me or rather, it feels to me, that people have "sort of" dismissed my losses and my pain and my grief, it seems like a lot of people have done that and I don't know why. I don't think some people view me as a person who seems to have a lot going on upstairs, but in reality, behind the physical facade and my attempt at a normal life when I go out in public and talk to people on the phone, the truth of the matter is I am in a constant state of distress from one thing or another.

Some people have suggested I turn all my problems over to God = well, I've done that and He does carry the burden for me, but I don't believe God can help me with everything.

I've got to deal with logic and reason and the truth = I have said prayers for people I don't even know, because I believe prayers help the family and the person suffering, but I don't think prayers can save lives, I just don't. I have said many prayers for many lives to be saved and it has never happened, but it made me feel better and it made the people of the person in distress, feel better and maybe that's all that counts.

My time on this Earth has been a strange journey, filled with many triumphs and many tragedies, many ups and many downs, like an elevator going to each floor and stopping and starting and stopping and starting, like going to the top of the Empire State Building and riding the elevator to the Observation Deck.

As the years passed after the divorce, one day I was 52 years old and living in Lexington, Kentucky, renting my own apartment with my beloved dog Benjamin, who was almost 17 years old. I loved him with all my heart and when he died on November 12, 1997, my losses were continuing to happen and there was nothing I could do to stop then from happening. I wanted the clock to stop, for time to stand still, for Benjamin to live forever and keep me company, but I knew logically that was not going to happen and I made the decision to put him to sleep. That day is seared in my memory and in my nightmares and that has been 18 years ago. I can't let go of it. And I can't let go of any of the losses I've encountered in the 70 years I've been on this earth. Before I left Atlanta to move back to Lexington, I lost 2 of my co-workers to murder.

It was at that time I spiraled out of control and never fully recovered. To this day, I've not recovered from many, many things and those two murders and Benjamin's death were 3 deaths I will forever have nightmares about.

For those of you who question my faith, my sexuality, the way I live my life, my love for animals, my weaknesses and my emotions, read the following words from this song and see if you can or want to, understand my existence.

 "Turn! Turn! Turn!"

To everything - turn, turn, turn

There is a season - turn, turn, turn

And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep

A time to build up, a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones

A time to gather stones together

A time of love, a time of hate

A time of war, a time of peace

A time you may embrace

A time to refrain from embracing

A time to gain, a time to lose

A time to rend, a time to sew

A time for love, a time for hate

A time for peace, I swear it's not too late!

To everything there is a season= 

turn, turn, turn

The Times, They Are A-Changin'

While some people deal with changes with no problem, I do not.

It takes me awhile to adjust to change, especially if it alters the quality of my life and the quality of my life has been altered dramatically. Quality of life, not quantity of life, because I don't know and nobody knows, how and when we will make the journey to the Other Side.

That's one big reason I was let go from my job in 1991, it took me awhile to adjust to some major changes within the department and I made all the wrong decisions at the wrong time = was psychologically pressured to leave the job, couldn't take it any more and I left.

But I can't leave behind what is happening to me now = still in the fight of my life against multiple sclerosis = I know it's not going to kill me anytime soon, but it has taken a toll on my mind and my body. Have become a recluse, with the exception of going to Owingsville to pay my rent and sometimes go to McDonald's to pick up breakfast. But I don't socialize.

I am also fighting a parasitic infection that doesn't seem to go completely away. It will go away for a little while and then come back, not major, but it does come back and ruin the routine of my days. I concentrate on it more than I should but I feel like I've lived in a nightmare with it for the past 3 months. I am going to see an infectious disease specialist in Morehead one day next week. That's why I am a recluse, I don't want people to see the ugly breakouts on my arms and legs and the ugly scars they leave behind. I have been told it is not contagious, because I have taken a lot of vitamins and medicine to keep it at bay. Seems like my immune system is fighting back, but I want it gone completely from my body, I want it gone.

Was just turned down for an editorial spot in a new newspaper, because the owner said my columns were too harsh for his "soft news" newspaper. You know, bland pap news that spoon-feeds the reader. Not my style anyway.

I was going to write about things that are going on around me, you know, like I used to, for the Bulletin and the Outlook, but it's much better this way, because the only person who has access to the content of my blog postings is me and that's the way it should be and that's the way I like it.

I was asked one time by a friend of mine why I didn't write more "upbeat" editorials and I said = "That's not my life, that's not the way I think". Not in my nature to be upbeat, but I have my moments when I do read something funny or see something on TV that strikes me as funny and I laugh by myself, not at myself, but by myself. One of my favorite shows that lifts my spirits is "The Golden Girls" = always makes me laugh or smile real big, anyway.

I was also told, not asked, told that I was too emotional and should try to change that. I said "The more I get involved with a project or a subject, I put all of my emotions in one basket. I'm human. I don't keep my emotions inside. They come out. It is what it is".

I don't know why I was asked that question and I don't know why I was told that = people are curious about me, about my life and I have contributed to that over the years, telling them just about everything about myself, but the general public still doesn't know what makes me "tick" = they think they do, but they don't. They just get bits and pieces and put them together like a jigsaw puzzle and form their opinions. But no one "really" knows me, the real me, except God.

When the same-sex marriage law was passed in Kentucky, people around me thought I had an opinion. Well, everybody has an opinion but I had no desire to participate in a marriage, same-sex or otherwise. Don't want to be bothered with that albatross around my neck any more. Did that for 23 years in a heterosexual marriage and do not want another person in my life who I am responsible for. 

When Caitlyn Jenner made her appearance on the public stage, I was "for" that, but am slowly changing my mind for my own personal reasons.

When Kim Davis started refusing marriage licenses to same-sex couples, I was neither "for" or "against" her decision. I didn't become the poster child for the gay community. I have been asked numerous times to participate in protests and parades to support that community and I have refused, because I think that community's "bad apples" spoil everything for all involved. Bad apples are the ones who always have a hidden agenda, no matter what cause they currently stand behind. They become politically obnoxious, citing reasons why Kim Davis should issue those licenses. There is nothing worse than letting a "political know-it-all" person with an agenda take the microphone and speak, same with religious zealots who do the same thing.

I am spiritual, I am not religious. I believe in God, I believe He walks among us and I believe He is very annoyed at the way the world has changed. He is the only person I have to answer to, in this life and the next.

The Times They Are A-Changin' and creating chaos at every turn.

***

Come gather 'round people

Wherever you roam

And admit that the waters

Around you have grown

And accept it that soon

You'll be drenched to the bone

If your time to you

Is worth savin'

Then you better start swimmin'

Or you'll sink like a stone

For the times they are a-changin'

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside ragin'
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'

Come mothers and fathers

Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is rapidly agin'
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'

The line it is drawn

The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is rapidly fadin'
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'