Somebody's Always Looking For Something

People often ask me what "my truth" is.

I'm always talking about it. 

It's as simple as black and white = you live your life the way your heart tells you.

Sometimes, well, actually, a lot of times, I struggle to live my truth, because when I do live it, it doesn't make my life easier for me to live, it's just something my heart and mind tell me is right.

There is a song by Annie Lennox called Sweet Dreams = one line is "somebody's always looking for something" = I think that's true, in my case, as well as just about everyone on this planet. I don't know what I'm looking for, but my mind is unsettled, and I don't know if that is from the mental illness, the MS or just an uncertainty of life.

Annie Lennox in the 1990s

Go to www.google.com and click on Video under Annie Lennox Sweet Dreams = 

it's the first song listed on the screen = to listen to the entire song.

In fact, it will probably be the last song played at my memorial, accompanied by pictures on a video I'm trying to put together.

You know, I'm only a messenger here on Earth. I don't tell people what they need, what to do, what they  like, what they dislike, I'm here offering my opinions and how I feel about certain things.

Everybody is looking for something = the perfect family, the perfect "something" of which there is none = nothing perfect exists here on Earth.

 Women are always looking for the right shoe, the right dress, the right hat, the right makeup, etc. Men are always looking for the right girl, the right car, the right clothes, etc.  Always looking = always have, always will.

Some people have taken exception to my philosophies of life and that is their right, but this column is not written to be read and criticized, it's to be read if you like to read about what I'm thinking = on my life, my way of life, my philosophy of life, my babies, my spiritual beliefs = it's not written for you to read and believe you have to be like me or think like me or live like me = I've said it before and I'll say it again = I wouldn't wish my  mental illness or my sexual orientation on my worst enemy = because both are constant struggles and you have to be a certain kind of person to live with that, to struggle with that and be OK with that = sometimes I'm not OK with any of it. 

Sometimes I feel like going out there in that gravel road in front of my trailer and screaming until I can't scream no more, but it would do me no good, would probably get me locked up at Morehead's Psych Ward and get me arrested for disturbing the peace, or both and I don't want to do that, but sometimes I feel like it.

I look at life from "both sides now" = if you notice and I think some of you readers have, that a lot of my columns are centered around the title of a song and Joni Mitchell created one of the better songs of my generation = I think she was speaking of the "ups and downs" of life and the way she looked at life from those two perspectives = that's my take on it anyway. I think that's a good philosophy to have = there have been a lot of "downs' in my life, but somehow I've managed to jump over them and land on my feet.

One of these days, I won't be able to do that = one of these days, I will "run out of steam" and call it "quits".

I am in the process of pre-arranging my funeral/memorial and that is an eye-opening experience, but it's something I needed to do. I'm almost through getting everything together, but a few loose ends need to be tied up. I'm talking about this like I'm going to be there to critique the arrangements after I'm gone = well, you never know, stranger things have happened = I do believe I've lived several lives before this and I do believe in reincarnation, so it could happen. You never know.

By the way, this is what my "sweet dreams" are made of:

Until next time, this is the Last Word = shhhhh, they're asleep.

With One Eye Open

Growing up, I use to hear people who were afraid of the dark, say "I slept with one eye open all night".

Well, I do that now, literally.

When I wake up in the morning, this is what I see out of my left eye, which I cannot close all the way = this the way I see the world around me.

Below is a picture of a detached retina, which I endured the morning of October 7th, 2014. Overnight, I had become partially blind. You can see where the retina detached itself from the fluid around it. I thought it would "fix itself" but it did not. I did not know the severity of the situation until a week later.

On October 14th, 2014, I had surgery to correct it. Three months later, when the retina had completely re-attached itself, this is what I was left with. 

Normal Retina

So, four months after the Lexington surgeon said the retina was "back in place", I have an appointment tomorrow (Thursday, May 7th) with my eye doctor in Mt. Sterling to see if he can tell me anything new. Don't think he will be able to do so, but I need to know the truth. That's what I deal with, the truth, so I need to know it. 

There are numerous reasons this can happen to a person my age (70 years old = one week from today) = usually it's because I am a person of this age, that's why it happens. But, Wikipedia can give you a lot of other reasons = the surgeon in my case, didn't know why it happened. Maybe this other doctor will tell me something different, but I doubt it. I believe this view (below) I have of the world, is permanent.

Ironies of all ironies, in 2009, on my last day at the Outlook, I was helping clean up the place for the new owner. I know, I know, I quit of my own accord because of my dislike for the new owner = it was not one of my better days that day, and I had an accident, injuring my (right) eye, detaching the retina. I had surgery the next day and the vision was totally restored and still is to this day. My delay in seeking help a week later in this latest case probably caused the permanent blindness. I'll never know. Don't second-guess myself. Doesn't do any good. It is what it is, piled on top of everything else, it is what it is.

It is "my truth"

Until the next time, this is The Last Word.

(FYI = I really like graphics to help me tell a story. Wish I had this technology as one of my choices for a major = Graphics = back in 1962 = I didn't, so I pursued a degree in English/Writing. I believe all those avenues have worked out well for me lately.)

Save The Last Dance For Me

As time marches on, I march also, but right now, to a slower drummer.

I have slept almost continuously for two days, my body and mind exhausted from fighting the MS and the bi-polar disorder. Both diseases bring out the demons in me that have to be strong to battle these two invaders.

I've already addressed the MS in another post, but here is the reality of bi-polar disorder = BPD

taking a toll on the human life, especially the spirit, mind and soul. This picture speaks volumes for me.

It is an"invisible disease" = if you look at me and I look "OK" to you, then you probably move on and think I'm having a great day, but usually I'm focused on making it through the day.

If I don't seem happy when I'm in your presence, don't take it personally. As you can see, I have a lot on my plate and my mission in life, at this moment, is not to make you happy.

With all your compassion and empathy and sympathy, I don't want any of those = I want you to accept me for who I am and have an understanding about the miles I've walked in with these shoes I have on.

And one of these days, when I walk up to you, will you save "the last dance for me"??

Until then, this is the Last Word.

The Fool On The Hill

I see the world spinning 'round and around.

According to some sightings, I am the crazy man in the trailer with all the cats. Maybe it's me, or maybe it's not. It's all in the eyes of the beholder. Some people have told me that other people are afraid of me. Me! Little 'ole me! No!

Now, I have been known to cut people to ribbons with my words, but not physically. You know, step on toes = if the shoe fits, you know the rest.

The truth set me free. For other people, it would play utter chaos with their world = the truth, I mean.

These Pollyanna people have created a world where bad things don't happen, bad people don't infiltrate their circle of friends, nothing but nice things are said about them on Facebook.

Really?!

You name me a perfect world filled with perfect people and I will gladly sell you some swampland in Florida.

In the world of = selfies, profile pictures, Instagram, Twitter, etc. = the people who are caught up in the media frenzy that seems to infiltrate every corner of this globe don't see the other side of the screen = the computer screen where you can remain hidden, anonymous, self-serving, complimentary = I don't buy into a lot of the media hype, although I do like to read People magazine, I take some stories with a grain of salt, not bothering to pay any attention to the people who are way over-exposed = Queen  B, for example.

Enter the media world at your own risk = you see and hear what you want to see and hear and then tell me who the "fool on the hill" really is.

Until next time, this is The Last Word.

My Man, He Done Me Wrong

See this man = I was looking for someone on LinkedIn the other night and one of the people who it linked me to was the man in this picture = a man I've known since 1990. He was a mere boy then, a young adult, 23 years old and I had just turned 45.

I was captured by his boyish good looks and since I was recently divorced and living alone and looking for someone to landscape my yard, I got this flyer in the mail that advertised the services of two brothers = the Phillips brothers and this was one of them, Jason.

He and his brother showed up and landscaped my lawn and Jason stuck around, talking. I was getting ready to go to work and he still stuck around.

Before I knew what had happened, he approached me and you can guess everything that happened, not just that day but for the next 15 years, he became a part of my life, my financial life, so to speak. I spent money on him like it was going out of style. Money I didn't have, but he said he needed.

He used me up until he was ready to move on and I didn't see him again until he showed up on LinkedIn. Oh, I had talked to him in the interim, trying to re-connect, but somehow the connection never took place.

When I called him from the LinkedIn information, he told me had gotten married, to a woman fifteen years ago. His marriage and our relationship had somehow overlapped. Our relationship "formally" ended in 2005 after I moved back to Kentucky, but according to him, he had married in 2000.

The math wasn't right.

If you see him anywhere or know him personally = he lives in Phoenix, Arizona = go up to him and kick his ass for me, see if any of the money he owes me falls out of his pockets.

That was 25 years ago and boy have I moved on. Slowly moving, but I moved on. Still bitter and angry = somewhat, but it doesn't consume me like it used to, but I'll bet his wife would like to hear the story of his past, if he hasn't already told her, which I'm almost positive he hasn't, because secrecy was one of his biggest traits.

I never was "in love" with and I'm not sure I ever "loved" him. The one person I would have followed to the ends of the earth disappeared out of my life 50 years ago this year. Maybe that's why I've never "been in love" or "loved" anybody again, except my babies.

I lost "The One" = the one that got away, but the memories sustain me.

Until next time, this is The Last Word.