The Movement of a Butterfly's Wings

With a month to go before I celebrate ?? another birthday, I have become one of those elderly people who is "set in his ways" = that would be an accurate analysis of my daily life = I have created my own little world with my own daily routines that work for me = I'm not really open to changes of any kind in my life unless I have control over them = it's been almost a year since I almost died from a bout of pneumonia and when I almost lost my home and my babies as a result = seems like the elderly have become a statistic to the Social Services agencies who portray themselves as "do-gooders" but really show their fangs and claws and want people like me to disappear and go to a nursing home, where I would become a statistic, a room number and an anonymous being who has nothing to live for.

I'm not saying life isn't hard, it is and all of you are familiar with my stories = but I plug along, not ready to be "put out to pasture" or become "someone who used to be".

My life is like "the movement of a butterfly's wings" because I never know how my day will turn out until I wake up in the morning or where my wings will guide me or where I will land = the last two weeks have been an uphill battle for me = severe depression and a lack of motivation to move forward, but somehow I make it happen = deep down in the core of my soul, I want to believe God is guiding me and helping me when I fall, but I do have my doubts about that spiritual belief that things will be better "after" = something I struggle with.

When I told my immediate family = my sister and her children = about my final wishes and arrangements, I was asked by her, "Can I tell them you have been saved and believe in God?" = I said  "Yes, if that will make them feel better" = but in the back of my mind, I questioned that question = still struggling as to "if and when" I will bring up that subject in a conversation with my family again. Because frankly I don't care what they believe about me and I have nothing to prove to any of them anymore, but if it makes their life better, so be it, but from here on out, my life and my final arrangements are going to be "kept close to my vest" = it's my life, after all, not to be questioned by "religious" fanatics who only have one agenda on their mind = everyone must be saved and confess all their sins before they are welcomed into Heaven. I do care about my sister and her family, but I don't believe "love" is part of that equation.

I happen to disagree with my family on a lot of issues, but am not going to argue the points any further = my life is like the "movement of a butterfly's wings" = I never know where my wings are going to take me, but I now know how to guide them while they search for the perfect place to touch down.

My life is centered around my well-being and taking care of my babies = Darby Doodle, Emma, Toot, Pete, Penny, Linus, Charlie Brown and Lucy Belle = took Doodle to the vet about a week ago and he had to have dental surgery, with a local anesthesia = it was on the 8-month anniversary of BabyDoo's death and I went into a panic mode.

I was a nervous wreck until the surgery was over and I brought Doodle home = with a 10-day regimen of an antibiotic. Today is the last day for the medicine, because it has been a struggle to give him the medicine = he does not want to take it and I have to be aggressive in giving him the dose = which I don't like to do = but afterwards, he is fine and so am I.

It was a near-normal day for me and I took advantage of it by going to town to pick up a few groceries and to pick up a Rx. I ran into someone at the grocery store = I used to help with her rescues = but left when we butted heads on the way she was treating the strays. In fact, Emma became one of my babies when I refused to take her to this person for foster care. My better judgment told me to take Emma home with me and she is now one of my beautiful babies. When I saw this person today, she looked very old and tired with the weight of the world on her shoulders and my negativity about her dissipated. She had become one of those elderly souls who was struggling to get through life = seems like the "movement of a butterfly's wings" had landed her in the midst of a hard life.

Heaven weeps today, splattering water on narrow Spring Hollow Road = which means I don't have to, Heaven did it for me = took me a while to get used to living here, but it is "home" to me and my babies now = this is where our final memories will be etched until eight more butterflies and me will use our wings to ascend into an eternal life, far away from this "mortal coil" of the Earth = hopefully taking me and my babies to be with my other babies who have gone before me = a land where "we'll never grow old".

Darby Doodle
Toot
Emma
Pete

Penny

Linus

Lucy Belle

Charlie Brown

Me

BabyDoo And My Other Babies Waiting For Us

Caterpillar in the tree, 

How you wonder who you'll be

Wish you may and wish you might

Don't you worry, hold on tight

I promise you there'll come a day

That the butterfly will fly away.