TURN, TURN, TURN

The only good thing about getting old is you can pretty much write your own ticket to what you want to do, provided you have the money, the health and the motivation. I don't have a lot of money, my health is in a precarious state of mind and I don't have much motivation except experiencing the simpler things in life, like watching my favorite TV programs and playing games on Facebook and taking care of my nine rescue babies.

There is also a time for reflection on the past, not a good thing to do, in my case, too many things happened that weren't good for me and the losses of souls I have loved over the past 70 years is sometimes unbearable to think about. The grief never goes away, the sadness lingers in ways I can't explain and the loss is put away in a safe place in my heart to take out at times and just cry until I can't cry no more. And I have been doing a lot of crying lately.

My losses have been of friends, acquaintances, relatives, family and pets. That is not in any particular order, by the way. It's just the way it came to me. The losses have been of old age, natural causes, murder, suicide, euthanasia, car wrecks and a variety of diseases. It seems to me or rather, it feels to me, that people have "sort of" dismissed my losses and my pain and my grief, it seems like a lot of people have done that and I don't know why. I don't think some people view me as a person who seems to have a lot going on upstairs, but in reality, behind the physical facade and my attempt at a normal life when I go out in public and talk to people on the phone, the truth of the matter is I am in a constant state of distress from one thing or another.

Some people have suggested I turn all my problems over to God = well, I've done that and He does carry the burden for me, but I don't believe God can help me with everything.

I've got to deal with logic and reason and the truth = I have said prayers for people I don't even know, because I believe prayers help the family and the person suffering, but I don't think prayers can save lives, I just don't. I have said many prayers for many lives to be saved and it has never happened, but it made me feel better and it made the people of the person in distress, feel better and maybe that's all that counts.

My time on this Earth has been a strange journey, filled with many triumphs and many tragedies, many ups and many downs, like an elevator going to each floor and stopping and starting and stopping and starting, like going to the top of the Empire State Building and riding the elevator to the Observation Deck.

As the years passed after the divorce, one day I was 52 years old and living in Lexington, Kentucky, renting my own apartment with my beloved dog Benjamin, who was almost 17 years old. I loved him with all my heart and when he died on November 12, 1997, my losses were continuing to happen and there was nothing I could do to stop then from happening. I wanted the clock to stop, for time to stand still, for Benjamin to live forever and keep me company, but I knew logically that was not going to happen and I made the decision to put him to sleep. That day is seared in my memory and in my nightmares and that has been 18 years ago. I can't let go of it. And I can't let go of any of the losses I've encountered in the 70 years I've been on this earth. Before I left Atlanta to move back to Lexington, I lost 2 of my co-workers to murder.

It was at that time I spiraled out of control and never fully recovered. To this day, I've not recovered from many, many things and those two murders and Benjamin's death were 3 deaths I will forever have nightmares about.

For those of you who question my faith, my sexuality, the way I live my life, my love for animals, my weaknesses and my emotions, read the following words from this song and see if you can or want to, understand my existence.

 "Turn! Turn! Turn!"

To everything - turn, turn, turn

There is a season - turn, turn, turn

And a time to every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep

A time to build up, a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

A time to cast away stones

A time to gather stones together

A time of love, a time of hate

A time of war, a time of peace

A time you may embrace

A time to refrain from embracing

A time to gain, a time to lose

A time to rend, a time to sew

A time for love, a time for hate

A time for peace, I swear it's not too late!

To everything there is a season= 

turn, turn, turn