In The Midnight Hour

In the midnight hour, I'll take you there = 

Inside my head filled with thoughts, emotions and suicide bouncing off each other, each wanting to break free, to express themselves, but I am unable to let all of them out = fear takes over.

Everything is quiet this midnight as if I am the only living person on the planet, but I know that's not true. The TV is turned off, lights blaze in two rooms and the bathroom, I don't know why I don't turn them off, but I don't, psychological I know, but I can't bring myself to turn them off.

Sitting behind my computer keyboard, don't have any company tonight, just me, putting my thoughts down, my babies are elsewhere in the trailer, in my newly partially-cleaned trailer, looking brand new, but it somehow seems like a hollow place, even in its cleanliness, it seems like somebody else's place.

Baby-Doo (aka Boo) has been gone 8 days now, but it seems like yesterday when I held him in my arms and said goodbye. He "claimed" me from the moment I rescued him almost 13 years ago and he didn't stop loving me and "claiming" me until he drew his last breath. I let him go because he was suffering = he couldn't breathe without struggling and I know that feeling too well, having survived two attacks of pneumonia that led me to the brink of death, been home 2 weeks from the hospital when I made the decision to release him from his struggle.

He kept me company beside the computer one last time, making a valiant effort to be normal, but I believe he was doing it for me because he thought I wanted him to and I did want him there and I praised him, made over him and he left his mark on the side of my computer and went into the living room and tried to sleep that night, but at 4 o'clock the next morning, he was telling me he needed to go, I could see it in his eyes, in his face which had aged over the last 2 weeks, he was asking me to let him go.

My friend came by and she carried him to her car = I sat in the back with Baby-Doo and let him roam free = he stood up at both windows and looked through both of them, watching the rain come down, feeling the air on his face from the open window and watching the hillsides go by, watching the traffic go by, the first and last time he would experience that kind of freedom. I wrapped him in a quilt I had with me, been with me many, many years, carried him to the table and held him = he kissed me on the cheek one last time and head-butted me one last time, like he did the day I rescued him and then he was gone = he was cremated wrapped in that quilt and his ashes will be with me shortly, to sit beside Beanie's on my computer desk.

As I struggle every day to come to terms with Baby-Doo's death, I also struggle every day to regain my health = a monumental task in both cases. The pain, like it has been in the past, when my other babies died, is shattering and beyond description in my soul = my heart actually hurts when the grief overtakes me, full throttle and there's no stopping it. The facade I present when there are other people around quickly disappears when I'm alone and reality hits me right between the eyes. That Friday at the vet's office almost put me six feet under, I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into that abyss between life and death, wanting death to overtake me at that moment.

But the strength I didn't know I had brought me barely back to where I was and I knew I had to get well and take care of my other 8 babies, but I knew it would be a challenge to get my house back in order, to get my emotions intact so I could at least go through the motions of living.

So, part of my trailer is clean and soon all of it will be clean, thus sparing me from going to the nursing home and sparing me from losing my babies to the Humane Society = I was threatened with both with Social Services = so, the trailer will be clean, I will go on, my heart and soul are shattered, but I will go on, crying uncontrollably at midnight when me and my babies are alone in the dark.

The space by my computer where Baby-Doo loved to sit and keep me company, is empty now, like the space in my life that Baby-Doo doesn't fill anymore.

Lord God help me = because the thought of going to sleep and never waking up is a prevalent thought in my mind each night as I lay my head down on my two pillows = so Lord God help me to wake up to see another day to take care of my blessed, beloved babies.

Baby-Doo, we will all see you and the other babies at the Rainbow Bridge one of these days and I know your spirit is still here, because I feel it around me every day. Every time the wind blows through the open window, it is you = Darby looks for you and is lost, I try to comfort him and I keep a watchful eye on him, but he misses you and looks for you every day. Every time the wind blows, it is you saying "Hello" to all of us. 

Rest in Peace, my beloved baby.