When people commend me on my courage to state my opinions or just be myself, I tell them it has nothing to do with courage, it's overcoming a lifelong fear of being singled out and punished for something, for being myself or for stating my opinions.

To grow up in a state like Kentucky and be "different", you are immediately targeted by someone who thinks they can get the upper hand on you = I don't know what it is about this state, but it seems to be the norm.

I never did go hunting with my brother, never did hang out with him when he went drinking with his buddies, but he did teach me how to play poker and when I started winning all the hands, he wouldn't let me play any more. I eventually learned to drink on my own and I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed the taste of a good cold Michelob. Can't drink now because of my recent illness, but when the doctor gives me the "thumbs up" to treat myself to a sit-down restaurant dinner, I'm going to order a Michelob with my dinner.

Maybe indulge once a month, who knows, maybe not. I'm sick of being sick, sick of taking all these meds, sick of this diet I'm on, but I know they are making me better, making me stronger, helping me with my recuperation.

Walking through the fear = I heard that on one of Oprah's shows the other day and it stuck with me, even though it was a woman describing her struggle to be strong and independent, but that's what I've always wanted out of life, to be strong and independent and I think I've achieved it to a certain extent, but when I got very sick with pneumonia and it almost killed me, my self-confidence and my motivation went out the window.

It made me vulnerable, not in control of my life, having to turn parts of my life over to total strangers who were supposed to "help me along" with my recuperation and my recovery, but it didn't turn out that way, not for me anyway. I felt trapped, suffocated, like I couldn't get enough space around me, couldn't take control of anything in my life, fearing that my life was always going to be like this = turning it over for someone else to manage.

But eventually I got rid of those people who were supposed to "help me along" and in the process gained some great friends, the women I hired to clean my place for me. They not only cleaned my place spotless, they became my friends and one of them is going to help me maintain my place, coming by once a  month to "help me along" = to really "help me along" with no hidden agenda = just being my friend and helping me.

You see, I'm not "normal" in any sense of the word, whatever "normal" means = I don't think like other people, I am hesitant to make friends, hesitant to let anyone get that close to me, that is a fear that I think I'm overcoming, at least I hope it is.

Through all of "this" = the past 2 months, which everyone by now is aware of what "this" is = I've become aware of the goodness and kindness of people who are genuine people = no pretense, they are who they are and accept me for who I am = they are not afraid of my opinions, my station in life, my desire to live my life on my own terms, they are not afraid of that, but at the beginning, I was afraid of them, an unknown fear that drove me to shut people out, isolate myself (which I still do, but it's OK now, it's for my own peace of mind) and not trust anyone, because I had been burned too many times because I let people take advantage of me = they saw my kindness as a weakness they could take advantage and they did, so I lost my trust in a lot of humankind.

But as I get older and approach the last years of my life, I know that tomorrow is not promised to anyone, that all of us are going to die one of these days, that one day my babies are going to leave me, but the fear of losing another one of my babies drives me to the brink of paranoia at times but I have to walk myself through that fear, got to get up and walk myself through that wall of fear, got to do it. Can I do it? I have to, I have to.

I believe God is waiting for me when I go Home, I believe He will lead me to a place where all my babies are, to that place at the Rainbow Bridge where I can once again see them in their wholeness. It took me a long time to accept that, the place where I was going, but I do believe with all my heart that is where I am going, to be with them. That was another fear I had to walk through, but I walked through it and believe that's where I am going.